You’ve noticed something has changed.

Maybe someone you care about has become quieter or more withdrawn. They aren’t spending time with people they normally enjoy. They seem overwhelmed, hopeless, angry, or simply not like themselves.

Maybe there isn’t one thing you can point to.

You just have a feeling:

Something isn’t right.

So you think about asking.

Then the doubts begin.

• What if I’m overreacting?
• What if they don’t want to talk?
• What if I embarrass them?

And perhaps the most frightening question:

What if I ask about suicide and make things worse? ¹,²

According to Leah Bogdanski, BS, CPS, River’s Bend Director of Business Development and Suicide Prevention Specialist, that fear should not keep us silent.

Her advice is remarkably simple:

You Don’t Need to Know for Certain Before You Ask

One of the things that makes these conversations difficult is uncertainty.

There usually isn’t a flashing sign telling us that someone needs help. Instead, we notice changes.

During our conversation about suicide prevention, Leah described warning signs such as:

• Withdrawing from friends and family
• Losing interest in personal appearance or hygiene
• Talking or thinking more about death
• Giving away prized possessions
• Expressing rage or significant emotional distress
• Experiencing depression or grief
• Increasing alcohol or drug use
• Feeling like a burden
• Expressing hopelessness
• Saying things such as “My life doesn’t matter” or “Nobody really cares about me”

Any one of these things does not necessarily mean someone is thinking about suicide.

What Leah encourages people to notice are changes and patterns.

You don’t have to determine what those changes mean before talking about them.

You can simply start with what you have noticed.

Start With What You See

If you are worried about someone but aren’t sure what is happening, Leah recommends asking clarifying questions.

That might sound like:

• “You haven’t seemed like yourself lately. How are you doing?”
• “I’ve noticed you haven’t been spending much time with your friends. Is something going on?”
• “You’ve mentioned feeling hopeless a few times lately. Can you tell me more about that?”
• “I know you’ve been going through a lot since your loss. How are you really doing?”
• “You said something earlier that worried me. Can we talk about it?”

There is an important difference between saying “What’s wrong with you?” and saying “I’ve noticed something has changed, and I care about you.”

You aren’t confronting them.

You’re inviting them into a conversation.

And then you need to be willing to listen to the answer.

If You’re Worried About Suicide, Say “Suicide”

This is where many of us hesitate.

We ask:

• “Are you okay?”
• “Are you safe?”
• “Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”

Those questions may feel safer to us.

But Leah recommends something much more direct:

“Are you thinking about suicide?”

She is intentional about using the word suicide.

As Leah explained, asking whether someone is thinking about “hurting themselves” can mean many different things. Asking about suicide is clear.

She also recommends telling the person why you are asking.

For example:

“You’ve been talking a lot about death lately, and you’ve told me that you feel like nothing is going to get better. Those things have me worried about you, so I want to ask you directly: Are you thinking about suicide?”

Leah described how the directness of that question can surprise someone.

A person who is having suicidal thoughts may not expect anyone to actually ask them about it.

As Leah explained during our interview, sometimes hearing that direct question creates an opportunity for the person to “say the truth out loud.”

That is why the goal isn’t to find a clever way around the word.

The goal is to create an opportunity for honesty.

Don’t Wait for the Perfect Words

Many people delay difficult conversations because they are afraid they won’t know what to say.

But this isn’t a speech.

It is a conversation.

You don’t need a carefully rehearsed opening. You need curiosity, compassion, and a willingness to stay present.

A simple structure can help:

• Notice: “I’ve noticed you seem really different lately.”
• Explain: “Some of the things you’ve said have me concerned.”
• Ask: “Can you tell me what’s been going on?”
• Clarify: “Are you thinking about suicide?”
• Listen: Give them room to answer.
• Connect: If they need help, help bring professional support into the conversation.

What matters isn’t whether every word is perfect.

What matters is that the other person understands:

I noticed. I care. I’m willing to hear the truth.

Before the Conversation, Check Yourself Too

Leah brought up another part of starting these conversations that we don’t talk about enough:

Check yourself first.

Maybe you recognize that someone is struggling, but you aren’t emotionally prepared to manage what they may tell you.

That does not mean you should ignore what you see.

And it does not mean you have failed them.

Leah explained that if you aren’t in the right mindset to have the conversation yourself, you can still say something like:

“I can see that you’re struggling. I may not be the right person to know exactly what to do, but can you sit with me while we call someone who can help?”

That is an important distinction.

Supporting someone does not require pretending to have expertise you don’t have.

You can recognize your own limits and still stay beside the person while you bring in professional help.

As Leah put it during our conversation, you’re still the person helping because you’re the one making that connection for them.

What If They Say They’re Fine—but You Still Don’t Believe Them?

This is another reason Leah’s emphasis on patterns matters.

Someone may tell you:

“I’m fine.”

But you may still see significant changes in their behavior or continue hearing things that concern you.

You don’t have to interrogate them or force them to talk.

But you also don’t have to pretend your concern disappeared.

• Ask another question.
• Explain what you are noticing.
• Stay connected.

And if the warning signs remain serious enough that you are concerned about the person’s safety, Leah’s advice is to involve professional help rather than trying to make the risk determination yourself.

You might say:

“I hear you saying that you’re okay, but I’m still worried because this feels really different from you. I’d rather take that concern seriously. Can we talk with someone together?”

Sometimes caring about someone means being willing to remain concerned even when it would be easier to accept “I’m fine.”

What If They Say Yes?

If you ask:

“Are you thinking about suicide?”

and the answer is yes, the conversation changes.

Leah’s guidance here is just as simple:

“You call for help.”

• Don’t debate them.
• Don’t tell them their feelings are selfish.
• Don’t make them defend why they feel the way they do.
• And don’t promise to keep suicidal thoughts secret.

Instead, acknowledge what they have trusted you enough to share.

Leah offered language such as:

• “That’s a really hard place to be.”
• “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
• “I care about you.”
• “I’m concerned about your safety.”
• “Are you willing to get help?”
• “What can we do together to make sure you stay safe right now?”

You don’t have to decide what level of intervention the person needs on your own.

Bring in people who can help.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline can be reached by calling or texting 988. If there is an immediate life-threatening emergency, call 911 or seek emergency medical care.

And whenever possible, stay connected with the person while help is being arranged. Leah specifically recommends not simply leaving someone alone when you are concerned about their safety.

Starting the Conversation Is an Act of Connection

One theme came up repeatedly during our conversation with Leah: human connection.

She believes it is central to suicide prevention.

When we are actually present with another person, we have an opportunity to notice.

• Their demeanor.
• Their words.
• Their withdrawal.
• Their shaking hands.
• The expression on their face when we ask a difficult question.

Knowing the warning signs helps us recognize those moments. Human connection gives us an opportunity to respond to them.

You will not always know when someone is struggling.

You won’t always say exactly the right thing.

And asking someone about suicide doesn’t mean you are responsible for everything that happens next.

But you can notice.

You can ask.

You can listen.

And you can help connect someone with people who know what to do next.

Continue the Conversation in Our Community

Suicide prevention becomes stronger when more people know how to recognize concerns, start conversations, and connect others with support. 

On September 24, 2026, the Oakland County Suicide Prevention Task Force will host its annual Community Discussion: Digital Innovation in Suicide Prevention at Oakland Community Health Network in Troy. 

From social media outreach and crisis text support to AI, digital storytelling, and online peer connection, this year’s discussion will explore how technology is creating both new opportunities and new challenges in mental health and suicide prevention. 

The free event runs from 9:00 a.m. to noon, with registration beginning at 8:30 a.m., and includes breakfast, resources, and 2 CEUs. 

Parents, grandparents, high school and college students, teachers, police, fire and EMS professionals, public health and medical professionals, behavioral healthcare providers, and faith-based organizations are all encouraged to attend. It is an opportunity for both professionals and community members to learn, connect, and become better prepared to support the people around them.

You Don’t Have to Navigate the Next Step Alone

Families aren’t the only people who face these situations.

Therapists, physicians, school counselors, social workers, discharge planners, and other professionals sometimes recognize that someone needs additional behavioral healthcare but aren’t certain what level of care or resource is appropriate.

River’s Bend works with professional and community partners throughout Michigan to help make those connections.

Leah Bogdanski serves as a point of contact for professionals navigating behavioral healthcare resources, referrals, levels of care, and connections with the appropriate River’s Bend clinical team.

Sometimes a hospital, crisis resource, or another community partner may be what the person needs first.

Leah summed up River’s Bend’s role during our conversation in a way that fits the larger message of this article:

If we can help, we’ll make the connection. If we can’t, we’ll help connect you with resources that can.

Because in that moment, the most important thing isn’t where someone receives help.

It’s that they receive it.

If You’re Worried, Ask the Question

At the end of our conversation, we asked Leah what she would want someone to remember if they remembered only one thing about suicide prevention.

Her answer was immediate:

“Ask the question. If you are worried, ask the question.”
 — Leah Bogdanski, BS, CPS

• Maybe the person says no.
• Maybe they tell you what has actually been happening.
• Maybe your question opens a conversation they desperately needed someone else to begin.

You cannot know until you ask.

You don’t need perfect words.

You need to care enough to start.

Notice the change. Start the conversation. Ask the question.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, emotional distress, or a mental health crisis, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If there is an immediate life-threatening emergency, call 911 or seek emergency medical care.

For more guidance about what happens after someone tells you they are struggling, read our companion article, “What Real Support Looks Like After Someone Says ‘I’m Not Okay.’”

And if you are a Michigan professional partner who is unsure where someone belongs within the behavioral healthcare continuum, reach out to Leah Bogdanski at River’s Bend. You don’t have to know the appropriate program or level of care before starting the conversation.

The post How to Start a Conversation When You’re Worried About Someone appeared first on River's Bend, P.C..