Getting Through the Holidays in Recovery with Self-Compassion and Support

How to Focus on Presence Over Perfection

The holidays have a way of magnifying everything joy, grief, connection, and pressure. For families with a loved one in recovery, this season often carries a quiet ache: How do we celebrate when everything feels different?

  • If this is your first sober Christmas with a loved one…
  • If someone is in treatment, estranged, or newly absent due to loss…
  • If you’re carrying hope in one hand and heartbreak in the other…

You’re not alone. And you’re not doing it wrong.

Healing doesn’t follow a Hallmark script, and at River’s Bend, we believe that recovery, like the holidays, doesn’t have to look perfect to be meaningful. In fact, it rarely is.

Our blog, ‘The Holidays Can Be Beautiful… and Overwhelming,’ reminds us that it’s normal to feel many emotions at once this time of year. Joy and sorrow can coexist. Stillness can be brave. And presence genuine, grounded presence is often more potent than any grand gesture or perfect plan.

Recovery Isn’t Linear. Neither Are Holidays

One of the most painful myths we carry into this season is that recovery should be “better by now” neater, easier, complete. The truth is, recovery from mental health or substance use challenges rarely follow a straight line. Some years are stable. Others stretch everyone involved.1

This is especially true during holidays, when expectations run high, old wounds can resurface, and families may struggle to balance support with self-protection.2

Let go of the idea that things should look the way they always have. The best gift you can offer your loved one, and yourself, is acceptance of where you are right now.

Quiet Support > Perfect Solutions

When your loved one is navigating recovery, or when you’re facing grief or disconnection, showing up quietly and compassionately matters more than ever. Here are three ways to support without trying to manage or fix:

Notice Instead of Manage

Hypervigilance can feel like love, yet it’s often fueled by anxiety. Instead of trying to anticipate every mood shift or trigger, practice simply noticing.3

“I noticed you stepped away for a bit, want to take a breather together?”

In How Repeated Trauma Impacts Our Mental Health, we explore how trauma often teaches the brain to expect criticism, conflict, or chaos. Noticing without judgment helps break that cycle and offers your loved one a sense of safety.

Affirm Instead of Advise

Even well-meaning advice can backfire when someone is emotionally raw. Offering affirmation and empathy keeps the focus on connection, not control. 

Try: “I’m proud of how you’re showing up, even when it’s hard.”

A single sentence of genuine encouragement can interrupt shame, strengthen resilience, and remind your loved one they’re not alone.

Release the Pressure of ‘Normal’

You don’t have to recreate past holidays to create meaningful ones. In fact, trying to do so may cause more distress, especially if it ignores your current reality. Our blog, ‘Building a Recovery Plan That Supports Long-Term Success,’ emphasizes how intentional changes in environment and routine can help protect early recovery and emotional stability. That includes letting go of unrealistic traditions.

Reach out for help

Reframing Traditions as a Form of Healing

When life changes, traditions often need to change too. This isn’t a failure, it’s an opportunity a chance to create meaning that reflects your current emotional needs, family structure, or healing process.

Whether your family is navigating a first Christmas after treatment, grief, estrangement, or major life transitions like divorce, or death, redefining what “togetherness” looks like can be an act of deep resilience.

If you or your loved one is currently in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) or Partial Hospitalization (PHP), small changes in holiday routines matter. They create emotional safety, reduce exposure to triggers, and support the structure and coping strategies introduced in therapy.

Why Changing Traditions Helps Heal the Brain

From a clinical standpoint, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) teaches that our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are deeply connected. Familiar rituals tied to stress, addiction, or loss can trigger painful associations. 4Left unaddressed, these triggers can reinforce distorted thoughts like:

  • “This will never feel okay again.”
  • “Everything is ruined.”
  • “The holidays are pointless now.”

When we intentionally create new rituals, especially ones grounded in compassion or connection, we introduce new emotional experiences. Over time, these experiences help rewire neural pathways, allowing the brain to associate the holidays with calm, meaning, or safety again.5

5 Ideas for New Traditions Based on Family Dynamics

  1. You’re Supporting a Loved One in Early Recovery

Old routines (like alcohol at dinner or chaotic family gatherings) may not be supportive.

Try:

  • Sober brunch instead of dinner: Opt for morning light, a smaller guest list, and alcohol-free options like cider or mocktails.
  • Recovery gratitude jar: Each person writes one thing they’re proud of or grateful for in themselves or each other. Read them aloud on Christmas Eve or Day.
  • Grounding walk after dinner: Help reset everyone’s nervous system with movement and the benefits of nature.

These simple shifts communicate support without drawing unwanted attention to your loved one’s recovery. They also help everyone present co-regulate and feel safer.

  1. This Is the First Holiday After a Loss or Estrangement

Whether you’re grieving a death, honoring someone in treatment, or navigating emotional distance, this absence can feel enormous.

Try:

  • Memory candle ritual: Light a candle every evening, inviting family to share memories or moments of connection with the person.
  • Acts of kindness in their honor: Volunteer, donate to a meaningful cause, or help a neighbor. Turning pain into purpose can ease the ache.
  • Create a playlist for this season: Choose music that matches your emotional tone nostalgic, gentle, spiritual, even bittersweet. Music regulates the limbic system and helps process emotion.

Changing how you mark the season doesn’t erase what was; it simply changes how you perceive it. It honors what still matters.

  1. You Have Young Kids and Everything Feels Fragile

Children are often the reason we try to “keep things the same.” But kids are resilient when caregivers lead with honesty and warmth, not forced cheer.

Try:

  • “Choose Your Own Tradition” night: Let kids pick a meal, movie, or activity. It gives them ownership in a time that might otherwise feel disorienting.
  • Feelings ornaments: Create a craft station where kids design ornaments representing how they feel this season. Labeling emotions helps build emotional literacy.
  • Healing advent calendar: Instead of candy, fill each day with small moments of joy or connection like sharing compliments, drawing together, or making a mini “kindness mission.”

When you validate kids’ emotions and give them space to process, they learn that joy and grief can coexist safely.

  1. You’re Co-Parenting or Facing a Recent Divorce

Post-divorce holidays can be emotionally loaded for parents and children.6 Rather than forcing traditions into old molds, consider:

  • Create “Holiday Eve” celebrations: If kids aren’t with you on the holiday, plan a meaningful evening beforehand enjoy your favorite foods, wear your pajamas, or gather around a fire.
  • Establish new rituals unique to your home: A special breakfast, silly hat photos, or story night can ground kids in your presence.
  • Sensory transitions between homes: Use a consistent scent (like essential oil), playlist, or grounding activity when kids move between households. This supports nervous system regulation and gives the brain a predictable cue.

New traditions help everyone feel less like something is missing and more like something new is being created.

  1. You Don’t Know What to Create Because You Feel Lost

You don’t have to invent something elaborate. Start small:

  • What feels emotionally safe this year?
  • What’s something gentle we could try?
  • What tradition no longer serves us, and what could replace it?

Permit yourself to experiment. If something doesn’t feel right, you can change it next year. The key is intention, not perfection.

Not Everyone Will Be Ready for Change

Even with the best intentions, not all family members will be on board with adjusting traditions, especially those who find comfort in routine or resist acknowledging what’s changed. That’s okay.

Change often starts with one person making a small shift. You don’t have to convince everyone. When you model flexibility, warmth, and emotional honesty, it can open space for others to do the same, when they’re ready.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

At River’s Bend, we support individuals in recovery, and the families who love them. Whether you’re navigating emotional minefields, rethinking traditions, or trying to stay grounded while your loved one heals, you deserve support too.

Contact our intake team to learn more about family therapy, recovery planning, or grief support.

Download our free Holiday Mental Health Toolkit full of grounding practices, journaling prompts, and planning strategies

If this blog resonates with you, consider sharing it with someone walking through recovery or supporting someone who is. Sometimes presence begins with a shared understanding.

References

  1. Slade, M., & Longden, E. (2015). Empirical evidence about recovery and mental health. BMC Psychiatry, 15(1), 285. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-015-0678-4  ↩︎
  2. Lushniak, B. D. (2013). Holiday season stress free. Public Health Reports, 128(6), 434–435. https://doi.org/10.1177/003335491312800602 ↩︎
  3. Kimble, M., Boxwala, M., Bean, W., Maletsky, K., Halper, J., Spollen, K., & Fleming, K. (2014). The impact of hypervigilance: Evidence for a forward feedback loop. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 28(2), 241–245. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2013.12.006  ↩︎
  4. Nakao, M., Shirotsuki, K., & Sugaya, N. (2021). Cognitive–behavioral therapy for management of mental health and stress-related disorders: Recent advances in techniques and technologies. BioPsychoSocial Medicine, 15(1), 16. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13030-021-00219-w ↩︎
  5. Hobson, N. M., Schroeder, J., Risen, J. L., Xygalatas, D., & Inzlicht, M. (2017). The Psychology of Rituals: An Integrative Review and Process-Based Framework. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 22(3), 260–284. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868317734944 6 ↩︎
  6. D’Onofrio, B., & Emery, R. (2019). Parental divorce or separation and children’s mental health. World Psychiatry, 18(1), 100–101. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20590  ↩︎

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