Why We Love the People We Do

Attachment Styles, Trauma, and the Path to Healthy Connection

Let’s be honest: Valentine’s Day can feel like a cruel social experiment. Whether you’re in a relationship or single, there’s pressure to buy the perfect flowers, craft a heartfelt card that says just enough but not too much, and somehow avoid spiraling into a pint of ice cream by 9 PM.

But underneath all the pink glitter and overpriced prix-fixe menus is a more meaningful question: Why do we love the people we love? And perhaps more importantly, why do some of us keep loving people who aren’t good for us at all?

As it turns out, the answer is often rooted not in hearts and chocolates, but in childhood attachment, trauma, and our brain’s reward systems.

“When clients begin to understand their attachment style, they often have that lightbulb moment: ‘Oh, this is why I keep picking the same kind of partner.’ It’s not a flaw. It’s a pattern. And patterns can be changed.”
—Amy Fresch, MA, LPC, Clinical Director, River’s Bend PC

How Attachment Styles Are Formed

Our early caregivers were our first Valentines, for better or worse. As infants and children, we relied on our parents or caregivers for safety, nourishment, and emotional regulation. When those needs were consistently met with warmth, responsiveness, and reliability, we developed a secure attachment style,1 believing the world (and relationships) are safe and dependable. People with secure attachment are generally comfortable with closeness, trust, and emotional intimacy, and they can communicate their needs openly.

A secure relationship doesn’t mean there is no conflict, it means there is emotional safety, trust, and mutual respect even when challenges arise. For example, when one partner has a bad day and withdraws emotionally, the other doesn’t panic or become defensive. Instead, they check in with care, give space if needed, and communicate without blame. Both people feel seen, heard, and supported, and neither feels the need to manipulate or chase the other for love. This kind of steady, open connection builds resilience and intimacy over time.

But when caregiving was inconsistent, neglectful, or traumatic, our brains adapted to survive. This gave rise to the other three primary insecure attachment styles:2

  • Anxious Attachment: Rooted in inconsistency. You might cling to others, fear abandonment, or feel chronically “too much.”
  • Avoidant Attachment: Born of emotional neglect. You may value independence so highly that intimacy feels threatening or uncomfortable.
  • Disorganized Attachment: A result of unresolved trauma. You crave closeness but fear it at the same time, often cycling between pulling people in and pushing them away.

Each of these styles represents an adaptive survival strategy that once helped you cope in childhood. The good news? They’re not fixed. Through therapy and emotional healing, people can move toward a more secure style over time.

Research shows these attachment styles can shape how we behave in adult romantic relationships.3 And while they aren’t destiny, they can strongly influence how we connect, and disconnect.

“Trauma doesn’t have to mean a dramatic event. Sometimes it’s the emotional needs that weren’t met. Those are the invisible wounds we work to heal in therapy.”
—Amy Fresch

Why You’re Drawn to Certain People

Ever felt a spark with someone immediately and thought, Finally, I’ve found my person! only to realize three months later that you’re back in the same dysfunctional dynamic you’ve been in before? That’s not just bad luck. It’s often trauma reenactment.

Our brains are wired to seek the familiar, even when the familiar isn’t healthy. If you grew up with emotionally unavailable caregivers, you might unconsciously seek out partners who mirror that dynamic, not because it feels good, but because it feels known.

The cycle can feel impossible to break.

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Can You Lose a Secure Attachment? Understanding the Attachment Diathesis-Stress Model

Absolutely.

While many people develop a secure attachment style in childhood, life has a way of rewriting the script. Acute trauma in adulthood, like domestic violence, emotional betrayal, infidelity, loss, or even a toxic relationship, can severely disrupt one’s sense of emotional safety and trust. Likewise, the development of a substance use disorder (SUD) can erode even the healthiest relational dynamics.

Addiction, for example, often causes people to disconnect from themselves and others in order to survive their distress. Emotional needs may go unmet, communication breaks down, and trust deteriorates. All of this can mimic or even recreate the dynamics of insecure attachment.

“We see clients at River’s Bend who once had stable, secure relationships, but after a trauma or during active addiction, they no longer feel safe connecting with others. They’re in survival mode, and survival mode isn’t where intimacy thrives.” —Amy Fresch

This is important: insecure attachment can be acquired in adulthood. It is not just a childhood issue. Even formerly secure individuals can develop anxious, avoidant, or disorganized patterns after emotional harm or prolonged instability.

River’s Bend psychologist, Dr. Saba Maroof, often refers to the Attachment Diathesis-Stress Process Model4 to help clients understand this. In this framework, attachment style acts as a diathesis (a vulnerability) that interacts with environmental stressors. Someone with an insecure attachment style is more likely to experience emotional dysregulation, anxiety, or depression when under stress, especially in romantic relationships. Even someone who previously had a secure base can develop new attachment insecurities if their coping resources are overwhelmed by trauma, loss, or chronic stress.

Here’s how it plays out:

  • An anxious individual might interpret a delayed text as abandonment, triggering panic or obsessive thoughts.
  • An avoidant individual may shut down emotionally when their partner asks for more closeness, feeling overwhelmed by the perceived demand.
  • A securely attached person, by contrast, tends to view stressors as manageable and seeks support rather than withdrawing or catastrophizing.

When stressful events occur (a breakup, betrayal, illness, or even the beginning of a new relationship), those with insecure attachment styles may enter a cycle of heightened distress, negative thought patterns, and maladaptive coping, including substance use, impulsivity, or emotional withdrawal.

The reverse is also true. With the right therapeutic support, individuals who developed insecure styles early in life can move toward more secure functioning, especially through consistent, safe, and validating therapeutic relationships, like those found in River’s Bend Intensive Outpatient Programs (IOP) and group therapy settings.

Reach out to our care team to begin healing today

Situationships: The Mind Games of the In-Between

Enter the modern dating term: “situationship.” It’s not quite a relationship, but it’s more than a friendship. There are feelings, physical intimacy, late-night texts, and maybe even weekend brunches, but no clarity, consistency, or commitment.

Situationships are often a breeding ground for anxiety and emotional dysregulation, especially for those with an anxious or disorganized attachment. The ambiguity keeps your nervous system on high alert, constantly seeking validation and wondering where you stand.

“The unpredictability of a situationship can trigger the same emotional rollercoaster as substance use. You get a dopamine hit from a good interaction, then withdrawal symptoms when they pull away.”
—Amy Fresch

In many ways, the “not-quite-but-almost” dynamic mirrors trauma bonds (a strong, unhealthy attachment victims form with their abusers, marked by cycles of abuse followed by affection or calm. This creates powerful emotional ties mistaken for love, often seen in domestic violence, cults, or trafficking), with just enough connection to keep you invested, and just enough distance to keep you in distress.5 These dynamics can reinforce the false belief that love must be earned, chased, or survived. 

Love, Limerence, and the Dopamine Rush

Let’s talk about limerence, the obsessive infatuation that masquerades as love. It’s the butterflies, the overthinking, the waiting by your phone like it’s 1997. While often glorified in movies, limerence is more closely related to addiction than real intimacy.

Neuroscientists have found that the early stages of romantic love light up the brain’s reward system, triggering a dopamine release similar to that seen in substance use. That “high” you get from a text back or a glimpse of your crush? It’s chemically reinforcing, which is why the craving can become compulsive.6

For people in recovery from substance use, this can be particularly tricky. Limerence can feel like a new addiction, a substitute for the old one.

“In group, we often explore how relationship patterns can mimic substance use. The highs, the withdrawals, the obsessing, it’s all part of the same emotional cycle.”
—Amy Fresch

Love Languages Through the Lens of Trauma

The 1990s also popularized the idea of love languages; words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and gifts. They’re great tools for understanding how we express affection. But when filtered through the lens of trauma, love languages can get complicated.

For example:

  • If you never heard praise growing up, words of affirmation might feel life-giving—or suspicious.
  • If physical affection was withheld or weaponized, touch might trigger anxiety instead of closeness.

In this way, love languages aren’t just preferences. They can also be coping strategies and safety-seeking behaviors.7

Steps Toward Healing Attachment Wounds

The good news this Valentine’s Day? Our brains are capable of change. Through therapy and intentional work, we can move toward more secure attachment.

  • Individual Therapy: A safe space to explore your patterns, triggers, and early relational history.
  • Group Therapy: Learn from others, build emotional regulation skills, and practice vulnerability in a supportive environment.
  • Psychiatric Education: Understanding the “why” behind your behaviors is the first step toward changing them.

At River’s Bend, our Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) offers structured, trauma-informed care for individuals struggling with mental health, substance use disorders, or both. We help clients unpack their relational wounds, rewire patterns, and build the skills to create healthy, sustainable connections.

“Healing doesn’t mean being perfectly secure. It means recognizing your patterns, choosing differently, and allowing real intimacy to grow over time.”
—Amy Fresch

Real Love Is Learned

Valentine’s Day may sell us the fantasy that love is instant and effortless. But the truth is, real love is a skill. It’s something we learn, unlearn, and relearn, often with a few setbacks along the way.

If your relationship history looks more like a maze than a Hallmark movie, you’re not alone. You’re human. And help is available.

Looking to break old relationship patterns and build secure connections?
River’s Bend is here to help with evidence-based mental health treatment, substance use counseling, and IOP programs designed to support you every step of the way.

 Schedule a confidential consultation today

References

  1. Tabachnick, A. R., He, Y., Zajac, L., Carlson, E. A., & Dozier, M. (2021). Secure attachment in infancy predicts context-dependent emotion expression in middle childhood. Emotion, 22(2), 258–269. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000985  ↩︎
  2. Dagan, O., Groh, A., Madigan, S., & Bernard, K. (2021). A lifespan development Theory of insecure attachment and internalizing symptoms: integrating Meta-Analytic evidence via a testable evolutionary Mis/Match hypothesis. Brain Sciences, 11(9), 1226. https://doi.org/10.3390/brainsci11091226  ↩︎
  3. Duschinsky, R. (2020). Phillip Shaver, Mario Mikulincer, and the Experiences in Close Relationships Scale. In Cornerstones of Attachment Research (pp. 427–536). https://doi.org/10.1093/med-psych/9780198842064.003.0005  ↩︎
  4. Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2016). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19–24. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006  ↩︎
  5. George, D. (2024). Escaping the Situationship: Understanding and addressing modern relationship ambiguity among young adults. Zenodo (CERN European Organization for Nuclear Research). https://doi.org/10.5281/zenodo.11298549  ↩︎
  6. Fisher, H. E., Xu, X., Aron, A., & Brown, L. L. (2016). Intense, passionate, romantic love: a natural addiction? How the fields that investigate romance and substance abuse can inform each other. Frontiers in Psychology, 7, 687. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00687  ↩︎
  7. Pett, R. C., Lozano, P. A., & Varga, S. (2022). Revisiting the Languages of Love: An Empirical test of the validity assumptions underlying Chapman’s (2015) Five Love Languages Typology. Communication Reports, 36(1), 54–67. https://doi.org/10.1080/08934215.2022.2113549  ↩︎

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